Mama, It’s Okay to Grieve the Choices You Didn’t Get to Make
Breast or Bottle
Co-Sleeping, Bassinet, or Crib
Your room or Nursery
Purées, BLW, or Both
Stay home or daycare
Cry it out or pick up and hold
Scheduled c-section, induction, natural, VBAC, etc.
Home birth or hospital birth
These are just a fraction of the choices new moms are faced with just in the very beginning. I’ll stop listing because let’s be real, when it’s all written down and we realize all the decisions we are going to be making, things get overwhelming.
Some of these choices are huge and for some of them, both options are equally acceptable. It depends on the mom. One thing that I think is universal though, is that as our baby’s mom, WE get to make those choices. That’s something that is important to every mom. So what happens when life takes away our choice? The budget dictates you stay home, but you really miss your job. Health reasons mean that your baby will be bottle fed from day one when you so badly wanted to breastfeed.
That’s hard.
How often when this happens and a mommy is upset about that lost choice do we hear,
“It could be worse”
“At least everyone is healthy”
“It will all work out the way it’s supposed to”
Gross. Those statements make me cringe. And honestly they add anger to disappointment. They are well meaning, yes, but in no way helpful.
For me this big choice was for the delivery of my second baby. C-section or VBAC. It was a big deal to me that my body be allowed to deliver a child in the way I believe it was meant to, and perfectly capable of. We get to our last month and I watched week 36, 37, 38, and even 39 roll by. The anxiety was building fast. We were fast approaching needing a massive surgery that I have serious PTSD from the last go around. At least the first time I didn’t know it was coming. We go in for our week 39 visit and I have to see a different doctor because mine was out of town. What does she do? Within seconds she pops my little bubble I’m living in where I have a natural delivery and don’t have 6-12 weeks of painful recovery. “Looks like we’re having a c-section.”
I’m sorry, I don’t want to insult anyone’s medical degree, but in what universe can you with 100% certainty tell me my baby won’t arrive on her own in the next 5 days before my scheduled c-section?
Anyway the next day I cried all day long, it was awful. Luckily, after I cried it out, baby girl decided to start making her way into the world the next morning at 2 am. It took her 31 hours but she did it! I felt like the biggest drama queen in the world after she was born and I’m just really glad no one was there to witness my all day meltdown. Things did work out in the end...this time, and I’m very very thankful for that.
But can we all agree on this, whether we make our choices or life makes them for us, it’s okay to feel our feelings. It’s okay to grieve choices that are taken away. And it’s still possible to be grateful and positive while also feeling disappointed and sad.
Your babies will be better off with a mom who has acknowledged and felt her grief than one who harbors bitterness, resentment, and regret.
Co-Sleeping, Bassinet, or Crib
Your room or Nursery
Purées, BLW, or Both
Stay home or daycare
Cry it out or pick up and hold
Scheduled c-section, induction, natural, VBAC, etc.
Home birth or hospital birth
These are just a fraction of the choices new moms are faced with just in the very beginning. I’ll stop listing because let’s be real, when it’s all written down and we realize all the decisions we are going to be making, things get overwhelming.
Some of these choices are huge and for some of them, both options are equally acceptable. It depends on the mom. One thing that I think is universal though, is that as our baby’s mom, WE get to make those choices. That’s something that is important to every mom. So what happens when life takes away our choice? The budget dictates you stay home, but you really miss your job. Health reasons mean that your baby will be bottle fed from day one when you so badly wanted to breastfeed.
That’s hard.
How often when this happens and a mommy is upset about that lost choice do we hear,
“It could be worse”
“At least everyone is healthy”
“It will all work out the way it’s supposed to”
Gross. Those statements make me cringe. And honestly they add anger to disappointment. They are well meaning, yes, but in no way helpful.
For me this big choice was for the delivery of my second baby. C-section or VBAC. It was a big deal to me that my body be allowed to deliver a child in the way I believe it was meant to, and perfectly capable of. We get to our last month and I watched week 36, 37, 38, and even 39 roll by. The anxiety was building fast. We were fast approaching needing a massive surgery that I have serious PTSD from the last go around. At least the first time I didn’t know it was coming. We go in for our week 39 visit and I have to see a different doctor because mine was out of town. What does she do? Within seconds she pops my little bubble I’m living in where I have a natural delivery and don’t have 6-12 weeks of painful recovery. “Looks like we’re having a c-section.”
I’m sorry, I don’t want to insult anyone’s medical degree, but in what universe can you with 100% certainty tell me my baby won’t arrive on her own in the next 5 days before my scheduled c-section?
Anyway the next day I cried all day long, it was awful. Luckily, after I cried it out, baby girl decided to start making her way into the world the next morning at 2 am. It took her 31 hours but she did it! I felt like the biggest drama queen in the world after she was born and I’m just really glad no one was there to witness my all day meltdown. Things did work out in the end...this time, and I’m very very thankful for that.
But can we all agree on this, whether we make our choices or life makes them for us, it’s okay to feel our feelings. It’s okay to grieve choices that are taken away. And it’s still possible to be grateful and positive while also feeling disappointed and sad.
Your babies will be better off with a mom who has acknowledged and felt her grief than one who harbors bitterness, resentment, and regret.
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