Rainbow Babies: Who you will meet, Who I met, and the Help I was given along the way
This is a post i’ve been writing renditions of for so many months now. It’s never felt like the right time, and no matter how many versions I write in my head, it never seems to have a focused point other than an explosion of emotions that make no sense.
Welcome to losing a child.
But I guess when it comes down to it this post is mostly for me. I want to help other moms and friends of those moms of course. More importantly, I also want to speak to the power of my God, and I want to remember what experiencing that closeness was like. Who knows what this will accomplish.....only one way to find out!
Plus there’s also the fact that every time I touch those still too raw feelings, the tears come. It’s beautiful and it’s painful all at once, but what location do I have where I can write freely and cry ugly?
The answer to that is anywhere. But I’ll explain that later.
I kept making excuses. Waiting for the perfect picture to post with it, waiting for clarity, composure, time etc. But here it is.
Forget trying to describe my emotions. Every mom has a different experience and a different perspective on losing their child. That’s one of the reasons it’s so lonely and so debilitating. It feels like no one can relate. I got to meet this tiny person, hear this heartbeat, know this life that no one else will ever know. It hurts so much that no one else will know my baby. That it will be forgotten.
Here’s the thing though, my God will not forget. In fact he’s enjoying the company of my child right now. This life that he created, he knows it, and one day I will too.
More than anything, that is what this post is for. When the emotions subside and I go back to knowing the power of my God, but forget the feeling of that power, I can remember. I can remember the greatest grief I have ever felt and what it was like to simultaneously have that paired with the greatest joy and greatest peace imaginable. No I did not take joy in my child dying in case that was confusing. I took joy in being taken care of, of having this unseen hand of comfort placed over me when everything else around me came crashing down. It was indescribable.
I want to be reminded of that indefinable feeling and I want to share what does help someone in this situation. I hope to frame it in gratitude because I, honestly, had no idea what would help until my friends were already helping. Thank God for friends wiser and kinder than me.
So when you have a friend who loses a child (which you probably will, it’s 1 in 4 of us) hopefully this will help you to be brave enough to love them through it, because it’s really very simple.
Ask questions
No, not details questions. Not questions that satisfy curiosity, but open the space to let your friend talk. Knowing that I had the space to talk about my child without everyone getting weird and making me feel bad for making them feel uncomfortable was the best thing my friends could have done for me, and they did. To this day, that’s why I’m okay with saying, “cry anywhere and cry openly.” Holding it in is what hurts, holding it in is what’s lonely. So thank you friends for asking the question, thank you for letting me talk about my baby. If you’re a friend who is currently wondering how to help, check in, let your mom friend talk, and try to love the life that was lost just as much as the new life you’re about to meet, The Rainbow 🌈 Baby.
Welcome to losing a child.
But I guess when it comes down to it this post is mostly for me. I want to help other moms and friends of those moms of course. More importantly, I also want to speak to the power of my God, and I want to remember what experiencing that closeness was like. Who knows what this will accomplish.....only one way to find out!
Plus there’s also the fact that every time I touch those still too raw feelings, the tears come. It’s beautiful and it’s painful all at once, but what location do I have where I can write freely and cry ugly?
The answer to that is anywhere. But I’ll explain that later.
I kept making excuses. Waiting for the perfect picture to post with it, waiting for clarity, composure, time etc. But here it is.
Forget trying to describe my emotions. Every mom has a different experience and a different perspective on losing their child. That’s one of the reasons it’s so lonely and so debilitating. It feels like no one can relate. I got to meet this tiny person, hear this heartbeat, know this life that no one else will ever know. It hurts so much that no one else will know my baby. That it will be forgotten.
Here’s the thing though, my God will not forget. In fact he’s enjoying the company of my child right now. This life that he created, he knows it, and one day I will too.
More than anything, that is what this post is for. When the emotions subside and I go back to knowing the power of my God, but forget the feeling of that power, I can remember. I can remember the greatest grief I have ever felt and what it was like to simultaneously have that paired with the greatest joy and greatest peace imaginable. No I did not take joy in my child dying in case that was confusing. I took joy in being taken care of, of having this unseen hand of comfort placed over me when everything else around me came crashing down. It was indescribable.
I want to be reminded of that indefinable feeling and I want to share what does help someone in this situation. I hope to frame it in gratitude because I, honestly, had no idea what would help until my friends were already helping. Thank God for friends wiser and kinder than me.
So when you have a friend who loses a child (which you probably will, it’s 1 in 4 of us) hopefully this will help you to be brave enough to love them through it, because it’s really very simple.
Ask questions
No, not details questions. Not questions that satisfy curiosity, but open the space to let your friend talk. Knowing that I had the space to talk about my child without everyone getting weird and making me feel bad for making them feel uncomfortable was the best thing my friends could have done for me, and they did. To this day, that’s why I’m okay with saying, “cry anywhere and cry openly.” Holding it in is what hurts, holding it in is what’s lonely. So thank you friends for asking the question, thank you for letting me talk about my baby. If you’re a friend who is currently wondering how to help, check in, let your mom friend talk, and try to love the life that was lost just as much as the new life you’re about to meet, The Rainbow 🌈 Baby.
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